The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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