My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
