1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
