how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
