i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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