She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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