Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's blow job season.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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