so that wasnt chicken after all
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
