ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
