Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
