Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The Olympian is in my bed
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
