I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
