my vag is so smooth its legendary
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
