Where did you get a picture of my penis
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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