dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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