people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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