Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
