Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
