I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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