Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
