you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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