Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
