theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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