Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
