I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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