I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
