I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
