i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
