just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
