Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
