Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
