Christians are straight up FREAKS
I puked a lego.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
