Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
