i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
