My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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