How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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