ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
