One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
