I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
