I faked an abortion last night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
