i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
