dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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