What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
