My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
