Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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