Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
