the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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