I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
