Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
