he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
