Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
